While I was away at college, dad called me up one day. He said it was an emergency. Come to find out, mom had given him an ultimatum: impregnate her or she’d leave.
Trouble was, he’d had a vasectomy and couldn’t do it. So, he turned to me, his 18-year-old son. Mom was all ready for me: tied up on the bed with a blindfold on. If all went right, she’d never know that it was her son who knocked her up.
"I'm real sorry about dragging you all the way across state, son, but this really is an emergency." My father sat across from me, his hands interlaced.
"I was in the middle of an important class, dad..." I protested weakly. I could see that whatever it was must have been pretty important.
He was nodding before I was even finished. "Yes, yes, I know." He wrung his hands. "I'll make it up to you, I promise."
Thoughts of free tuition danced in my eyes. Suddenly this was starting to get interesting.
"So...what is it? What's wrong? Is it something with mom?" I looked around, suddenly realizing that I hadn't seen her since I came home.
He nodded and my heart froze.
"In a way, yes." He leaned closer and explained. "She's threatened to divorce me and I believe her." He straightened up and looked me in the eyes. "Tommy, I love her. She's everything I've got. You're 18 now, you've got your whole life ahead of you. But me? I'm just an old man."
"Dad, you're only 45."
He put his hand up.
"The point is, your mother has given me one last chance."
I shook my head. "So take it. I don't get --"
"I can't. It's physically impossible for me to give her what she wants. Even if I wanted to - which at this point, I do - I can't."
"Dad. What are you talking about? None of this makes any sense."
He sighed deeply. "Mom wants one last baby. Something about her clock ticking down."
"Oh boy," I muttered. "And I take it you've had a vasectomy without telling her?"
He nodded hopefully. "Yes, I knew you'd understand."
"But I don't," I insisted. "What does all this have to do with me?"
He took another deep, long breath then exhaled it slowly. "Because son, you're my only hope."
I stared at my father incredulously for a moment. "You want me to convince mom not to divorce you?"
He shook his head. "No. I need you to impregnate mom in my stead."
I couldn't believe I was hearing these words tumble from my father's lips. I thought of a million things to say, but I was so flabbergasted that I couldn't say any of them.
"Wouldn't mom be opposed to that?"
He shook his head and smiled, then leaned closer and whispered. "No, that's the best part! Right this very second, she's tied up and blindfolded in our bedroom, waiting for me - ahem you - to come in and impregnate her." He sat back and looked like he'd won the world.